I was lying awake at 5 AM this morning, enjoying insomnia, thinking about being in my eighth decade and feeling crabby. So I wrote up this list. Remember, you read it here.
1.
Don’t listen to advice from people under 70.
They don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.
2.
Avoid reading magazines on how to improve your
sex life.
3.
Avoid eating vegetables. Life is too
short to waste on vegetables. Otherwise eat anything you want.
4.
Avoid Diet Coke and other diet drinks. Regular
Coke tastes better.
5.
Don’t stroll through cemeteries. You’ll trip on
the headstones and break your head on other headstones.
6.
Don’t tell your grandchildren sweet stories.
Tell ‘em the dirty, gritty ones. They’ll think you’re hip.
7.
Don’t hug
young people for too long. They’ll get a whiff of you and think you’re already
dead.
8.
Don’t go parasailing unless you’re over a
mattress.
9.
Don’t be afraid to tell your doctor he/she is an
idiot. It gets their attention.
10. Forget
learning English. Learn the language of texting, like LOL, OMG, WTF. And don’t
stop there:
ADBB: all done, bye bye
BDN: big damn number
DFIP: don’t fart in public
If you start babbling this stuff, family
will think you’ve lost it let you go to bed.
Very entertaining. And informative. 😄
ReplyDeleteI liked #7 because most old people do stink. Are they afraid of a shower? Like the previous day's outfit too much? I dunno but it seems that scented soaps should be birthday presents to anyone over 74.
ReplyDeleteAs I see it, Bonnie, the problem is you drop the soap in the shower and can't bend down far enough to retrieve it. But let's see, you're not 70 yet, are you?
ReplyDelete#6. My Father-in-law tells some wonderful tales that all generations should hear. My parents kind of kept the lid on their experiences, and I think that is a shame. We kids have heard through the grapevine some fun-living stories of them. Plus, those tales explain to us kids why we are...like we are.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar experience in my family, on my mother's side. The "naughty" things, the gritty things--divorces, affairs, etc. were kept so tightly under wraps that no one knew anything. My father, on the other hand, had great stories from his childhood living outside Heber, Utah.
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